Just say NO to being a Mom-bot

Jan 26, 2011
At this very moment I am holding Sunny on my lap. I love my kids and I love being a mom, so don’t take anything I write here to mean that I don’t cherish my role as a mother. It’s just that mothering and doing anything else productive is so difficult. It seems like it has to be one or the other.

After Alyssa was born my whole life was rearranged to accommodate the demanding schedule of a newborn. I slowly grew accustom to this new way of living but I stopped doing the things I enjoyed because they were no longer convenient or they were much harder to accomplish. They just became, “Not worth it.”

Ever so gradually all the little things that made my life enjoyable slowly disintegrated until all that was left was a pre-programed Mom-bot. I fed us, I changed her clothes and mine, I washed her and me, I watched TV, I made dinner, I slept, I went to the store, and I did it all again the next day. Although I grew to really love my baby, it was not enough for a deeply fulfilling, happy and fun life. The life I used to know.

For the very first time in my life (except for being utterly homesick as a missionary) I was generally sad. Blue. Depressed.

I couldn’t figure it out. I wasn’t postpartum (anymore). I made it through that. This was something else. I couldn’t understand why after all my dreams had come true (awesome husband, sweet baby, cute house) that I had anything to be sad about.

I can’t really remember how long this recession in my life lasted, maybe a year and a half, somewhere in that neighborhood. When I got to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore, I had a MAJOR mental meltdown one night. I’m talking about puddles on the floor so large we had to get a shop-vac in here to clean it up.

I cried to my new husband for hours because I had never felt this way in my life I was so sad and I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t realize what was wrong.

Steve is so wise. Do any of you NOT know this. He really should be a counselor. In a former life he must have been one. He is gifted, I’ll just say that.

While he was in college he sought help from a counselor to help him cope with some problems he faced. This was life changing for him. He, to this day, uses those coping techniques to deliver him from his life-stresses and anxieties.

Anyway…after listening to me lose my mind that night, he helped me realize what was broken. He helped me realize that in the transition from being a single full time employee/full time student to a married unemployed mother of one sweet baby that I had lost my sense of self and quit doing the things that made me, me. I had quit doing the things I enjoyed.

It was true. I wasn’t doing anything that I did before. I had almost zero interaction from adults during the day, ever. Before I had people praising me for my work and contributions right and left. I was also a student and took great satisfaction in completing my degree (against all odds).

After the baby, I quit singing while I drove my car. I don’t know why. It seemed foolish to me post baby. I quit listening to Dr. Laura’s radio program regularly. Not a priority anymore. I never exercised. No time, too cold, no motivation. I ate way too much food. It was my only entertainment (besides TV).

I could list more things that I was doing wrong that made me miserable, but I don’t want to rehash all the embarrassing detail more than necessary. The point is…Steve helped me see where I was going wrong and helped me address simple solutions to counter my problems.

I will share the most useful solutions in hopes that it could be helpful to anyone who wants to be more happier.

First he encouraged me to sing in the car again, even if it felt silly with a baby in the back seat. It did feel silly at first, but then it all came back to me. I was surprised how much just doing this again made my life more enjoyable. I looked forward to the music in the car.

Second, he told me to get out of my Mom-bot zone on a regular basis and do something to contribute to society. My plan to do this included getting a volunteer gig at a hospital or the like. I remembered as a missionary serving meals somewhere or volunteering in the hospital made me crazy happy afterward. I actually ended up responding to an ad in the South Valley Journal (also Steve’s idea)asking for writers, instead. I have done this ever since (until recently).

Third, he shared with me a list his college counselor gave him. It was a list of pleasant events. His prescription (if you can call it that) was to have a pleasant event each and every day. Something just for him, something he could look forward to doing and or having every day.

I will share a similar list (I found by googling Pleasant Events List) with you. This list is 200 + ideas. (see at bottom)or by clicking this link But pay attention to the way you feel as you read this list. Wouldn’t doing stuff like this everyday make you feel better too? Some of it is not even that hard to do. Sure some are trickier to pull off, but keep in mind, some things ARE worth the hassle.

Anyway… after this talk we had, I started doing more pleasant things. Things I looked forward to and enjoyed. It really helped. It didn’t solve all my problems, but it did make me happier. It did make me feel more like myself most the time. It did take me to a place where I could be and feel like a productive member of society. It led me eventually to where I am today. So if you see me around town and I am sporting Sparkle Boots bought from Justice for Girls...now you know why I wear them...I just really like them. They make me happy when they sparkle. Very pleasant.

I guess a lot more people read my blog than I realize. I always assume my readers are basically my parents and a few neighbors. Every so often I get a glimmer that there may be more of you stalking my blog than I realize. (Consider yourself a stalker if you read 80 percent of my posts and never leave a comment (except you Aunt Tammy, I know you’re there). It’s cool. I don’t mind having a bunch of stalkers. It makes me feel desired.)

Anyway…for all my blog readers, know that I started this blog out of a pleasant event. I am living and recording my pleasant events on this blog. If it seems crazy that we go to all these places and do all these things. Don’t think that it just happens. No, we make it happen. Having pleasant events is a big priority for us and when they happen, we want to remember them, which is why I write about them. It’s like saving for a rainy day. Some days when I feel really sorry for myself, I look back at my blog and say…yes, I remember that time I saw the Delicate Arch with my own eyes. Remember when I slid down the fire pole at the fire station. I’ve done a triathlon. I guess my life ISN’T a total waste after all.

So…in essence, I am giving anyone reading this blog the same encouragement my husband gave me and the save advice his counselor in college gave him…Do more things you like doing.

This is just me now talking to all the momma’s. Be a good mother. Love your kids. Be good, sweet and adorable to your husbands. Accomplish all this by not being a Mom-bot. Do things for yourself every day. Have pleasant events you look forward to each and every day. Cherish your life. Live it. Do stuff you enjoy, even if it feels hard or silly or not worth it. You could even blog about it afterward. I’d love to read about it. I may even leave you a comment.

I promise it will make you happier.

Special thanks to my cousin Amber whose latest blog post brought all this back to my attention today.

Pleasant Events list (choose one each day)
1. Soaking in the bathtub
2. Planning my career
3. Getting out of (paying on) debt
4. Collecting things (coins, shells, etc.)
5. Going on vacation
6. Thinking how it will be when I finish school
7. Recycling old items
8. Going on a date
9. Relaxing
10. Going to a movie in the middle of the week
11. Jogging, walking
12. Thinking I have done a full day's work
13. Listening to music
14. Recalling past parties
15. Buying household gadgets
16. Lying in the sun
17. Planning a career change
18. Laughing
19. Thinking about my past trips
20. Listening to others
21. Reading magazines or newspapers
22. Hobbies (stamp collecting, model building, etc.)
23. Spending an evening with good friends
24. Planning a day's activities
25. Meeting new people
26. Remembering beautiful scenery
27. Saving money
28. Gambling
29. Going home from work
30. Eating
31. Practicing karate, judo, yoga
32. Thinking about retirement
33. Repairing things around the house
34. Working on my car (bicycle)
35. Remembering the words and deeds of loving people
36. Wearing sexy clothes
37. Having quiet evenings
38. Taking care of my plants
39. Buying, selling stock
40. Going swimming
41. Doodling
42. Exercising
43. Collecting old things
44. Going to a party
45. Thinking about buying things
46. Playing golf
47. Playing soccer
48. Flying kites
49. Having discussions with friends
50. Having family get-togethers
51. Riding a motorbike
52. Sex (if you're married of course)
53. Running a track
54. Going camping
55. Singing around the house
56. Arranging flowers
57. Practicing religion (going to church, group praying, etc.)
58. Losing weight
59. Going to the beach
60. Thinking I'm an OK person
61. A day with nothing to do
62. Having class reunions
63. Going skating
64. Going sail boating
65. Traveling abroad or in the United States
66. Painting
67. Doing something spontaneously
68. Doing needlepoint, crewel, etc.
69. Sleeping
70. Driving
71. Entertaining
72. Going to clubs(garden, Parents without Partners. Or dance clubs, why not)
73. Thinking about getting married
74. Going hunting
75. Singing with groups
76. Flirting
77. Playing musical instruments
78. Doing arts and crafts
79. Making a gift for someone
80. Buying records
81. Watching boxing, wrestling
82. Planning parties
83. Cooking
84. Going hiking
85. Writing books (poems, articles)
86. Sewing
87. Buying clothes
88. Going out to dinner
89. Working
90. Discussing books
91. Sightseeing
92. Gardening
93. Going to the beauty parlor
94. Early morning coffee and newspaper
95. Playing tennis
96. Kissing
97. Watching my children (play)
98. Thinking I have a lot more going for me than most people
99. Going to plays and concerts
100. Daydreaming
101. Planning to go to school
102. Thinking about sex
103. Going for a drive
104. Listening to a stereo
105. Refinishing furniture
106. Watching TV
107. Making lists of tasks
108. Going bike riding
109. Walks in the woods (or at the waterfront)
110. Buying gifts
111. Traveling to national parks
112. Completing a task
113. Collecting shells
114. Going to a spectator sport (auto racing, horse racing)
115. Eating gooey, fattening foods
116. Teaching
117. Photography
118. Going fishing
119. Thinking about pleasant events
120. Staying on a diet
121. Playing with animals
122. Flying a plane
123. Reading fiction
124. Acting
125. Being alone
126. Writing diary entries or letters
127. Cleaning
128. Reading nonfiction
129. Taking children places
130. Dancing
131. Going on a picnic
132. Thinking "I did that pretty well" after doing something
133. Meditating
134. Playing volleyball
135. Having lunch with a friend
136. Going to the mountains
137. Thinking about having a family
138. Thoughts about happy moments in my childhood
139. Splurging
140. Playing cards
141. Solving riddles mentally
142. Having a political discussion
143. Playing softball
144. Seeing and/or showing photos or slides
145. Playing guitar
146. Knitting
147. Doing crossword puzzles
148. Shooting pool
149. Dressing up and looking nice
150. Reflecting on how I've improved
151. Buying things for myself (perfume, golf balls, etc.)
152. Talking on the phone
153. Going to museums
154. Thinking religious thoughts
155. Lighting candles
156. Listening to the radio
157. Getting a massage
158. Saying "I love you"
159. Thinking about my good qualities
160. Buying books
161. Taking a sauna or a steam bath
162. Going skiing
163. White-water canoeing
164. Going bowling
165. Doing woodworking
166. Fantasizing about the future
167. Taking ballet, tap dancing
168. Debating
169. Sitting in a sidewalk café
170. Having an aquarium
171. Going to the Temple or a Church
172. Going horseback riding
173. Thinking about becoming active in the community
174. Doing something new
175. Making jigsaw puzzles
176. Thinking I'm a person who can cope
177. Wearing Sparkle Boots